06 November 2020

Picture worth a thousand words


In an effort to be ahead for the holidays, my roommates and I decided to hire one of my best friends to take our pictures. We dressed up, I put on mascara and lipstick for the first time in months, and we set off to American Fork Canyon. 


While the nature around us was breathtaking, the day was also rapidly approaching sun down, so we hurried through the picture taking as fast as we could, hoping to avoid freezing to death. 


A few days later, the pictures were ready for us to see. However, I had no idea how difficult it would be to look at myself . . . Look into my eyes and see pain that no one else was aware of. Yes, I was smiling outwardly, yet inwardly? Happiness was far from my heart. 


I don’t think I struggle with chronic depression. At the same time, I know that my life has been nothing but difficult and dark for a long time. I have made choices I never believed I’d have to make. I’ve survived different kinds of abuse, some mild, some so severe it’s left me in darkness every time I close my eyes.


And yet as I analyzed these photographs, as I looked into my eyes, not only did I see that darkness, but I didn’t believe that there was any happiness to be seen. Everyone thought my picture was beautiful. But I ? 


I saw nothing. Nothing of worth. Nothing of beauty. 


Now, several weeks later, I don’t know if I feel much different. I don’t feel much light or happiness. But what I do know is that I want to . I want to find happiness. I want to not only see it reflected in my eyes, but I want to feel it in my heart. 


My picture causes me to think of one word. Not a thousand words, one word : truth. My picture causes me to reflect on questions that tug at my feelings... What was I truly feeling in that moment? What is the truth about what was going on? What truth does God want me to realize and embrace as I look at my freckled, scar worn and red patched face ? 


Perhaps, then, pictures aren’t meant to be worth a thousand words. At least not mine. Perhaps just one word will suffice. . .






23 October 2020

A teacher’s perspective

 “Madame, what did I miss yesterday?” 


I close my eyes for a second, pretending to reflect on what we did yesterday. Truthfully, I don’t remember. I can barely remember what I’ve prepared for today. 


But even more truthfully, I’m just fuming inside. How hard is it, really, for my kids to take the initiative and check online to find out for themselves? I post the class PowerPoint and everything else we did in class every single day. Online. At the touch of a mouse. Just take thirty seconds and figure it out for yourself, I mutter in my head. 


“Umm yes, we practiced conjugating -er verbs because we are taking a quiz today.”


Wrong thing to say. Next thing I know, three kids are like, “We have a quiz today?? What!? Can we retake it?” 


I do an invisible eye roll and say, “Oui.” No matter how many times I tell them to study for a quiz...


This has to be one of my least favorite questions of all time, having a student ask what we “did in class yesterday”. It’s frustrating because I go to so much extra work to make everything accessible, especially for those students at home in quarantine or who are online now because they’re at risk for Covid. 


But as I have been pondering on several frustrating things going on in my teaching world, I’ve realized something I have never thought about before. 


Just like I at times feel frustrated and burdened by the expectations of students, who expect me to bend over backwards to help all the time, perhaps sometimes Heavenly Father feels sad in the same way. I shouldn’t expect God to make life easier when I want him to and how I want him to. Why? Because that isn’t how it works. If I expect my kids to not demand so much of me, I understand that I cannot expect the same thing from my Father in Heaven. Of course, He wants me to ask for help and strength and he wants me to have hopes and dreams for my life. But I am to learn to respect his timing and his will for when and how those dreams and those hopes will be realized. 


I know I can be more patient with these kids - all 120 of them. Because God is patient with me. I’m still learning, I’m still growing. And I still need to know, even for me, can I retake that quiz? Can I have one more day to do the homework? Can you help remind me what I learned yesterday, and how I can improve today? 


Great teachers, after all, teach by example and experience, and not just with words. 

17 October 2020

My journey

I stare at my face, my figure, my eyes...

And dare not to smile, for I believe all the lies :


That I’m ugly and weak, unkind, undeserving, 

I merit no love, and I feel I am worth nothing. 


These lies that belittle not just what I see, 

Attack on the inside, hidden part of me.


I cover my face and let out the tears, and slowly give in to my very worst fears.


I want to escape, give up and give in

It just is too easy to let that voice win.


So, I do. I retreat. I create my own world 

Where the voice of my adversary is the only one heard. 


Yet I know I’m not happy- my Sunshine depleted, 

Leaving me feeling abjectly defeated...


I desperately reach and cry out for aid. 

I yearn for connection, but inside I’m afraid. 


I fear it’s all true... that I really am forgotten,

Alone in this world, unloved...unforgiven.


Adversity screams, pushing me down, 

“Grieve all your losses, no hope can be found.” 


“Give up your worth, you deserve nothing more,”

And on and on the lies cut to my core. 


Then all of a sudden as I fall to my knees 

With tears in my eyes, encumbered with grief,


I remember a truth I’ve learned in my life,

Fear only has power if I believe all the lies. 


Believing in truth breaks anxiety’s grasp

And dissipates fear of my future or past.


If I choose to accept my journey, my life, 

That I’m right where I’m at - and that is alright;


If I choose to surrender and choose to let go

Of all of the things I want to control,


Instead choosing Christ, accepting His will,

Believing his timing will all things fulfill,


Then my spiraling down starts spiraling up,

As I choose to patiently drink from this cup.


If I stop asking “why” and start asking “How”, 

Then I know I will find joy in the “now”.


My journey, though messy, is what it should be,

And I know in my heart that it’s just what I need.


My journey, though trying and painful and steep,

Is not quite so hard with Christ next to me.


My journey is slow, soul stretching and steep, 

And yet - it is special and sacred to me.



08 October 2020

Tears don’t hurt like the ache does.

I just need to write this : 


It really hurts when someone tells me I should stop missing my ex husband. It really hurts when someone tells me I shouldn’t love him anymore. 

I know I’m not perfect, and I’m working on being indépendant and not codependent. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less when someone wants to tell me I should just move on and leave him behind...

There’s something about healing that I guess some people don’t understand, myself included : 

Healing. Takes. Time. And I’m just doing the best I can. 

The best I can.... 





29 September 2020

When the leaves start to fall

 I love this time of year for a couple of reasons : 

1. General Conference comes again.

2. The leaves change color.

3. Some of my favourite constellations come out at night :)


I really very strongly dislike this time of year for a couple of reasons :

1. It's cold.

2. Parent teacher conferences last for 5 hours after school on a Thursday, and I still have to come to school and teach the next day . . . Sleep is scarce.

3. My parents aren't around, which means that I can't drive to my house, pick grapes, rake leaves, or put up fall decorations with my mother.

:(

It's really hard to stay positive right now, but I am doing my best. Sometimes it's all I can do to not quit my job, and sometimes I feel like I could teach forever. Right now, I am somewhere in between, hoping I don't catch the "Rona"

But I didn't come here to talk about my job. No, I came here to tell you that I miss him. 

A lot. 

I miss my previous husband. I miss dancing. I miss laughing. I miss his smile. I miss his sisters. And his grandparents. I miss feeling wrapped in his arms. I didn't know how much I missed being hugged until a couple of weeks ago when a guy I really like gently wrapped me in his arms. 

But now I like this new guy a lot less . . . 


He brightened my day and helped me to laugh again. He and I could talk for hours about our scripture study, about our gospel insights, about our experiences we have lived through. He's divorced, too, so we really had a great connection. 



But. . . part of me says that I should have known it was too good to be true. The wounded side of my heart says that he is acting just like my previous husband did. Prescott rarely scheduled time to spend with me and develop our relationship. There were a lot of communication issues for both of us, but I know I did what I could to connect with him. The thing about connection though? It takes two people with the desire. Near the end, Prescott wasn't even in a position to understand my feelings, nor discuss them. And I was too afraid to share them. All my pleas throughout the months to do something together or to have him organize a date only happened from time to time. I felt insignificant. I felt like a burden to him. And sometimes I just felt like he was frustrated with me - whether or not he was, I'll never know. Other days - like today - I really regret that I'm not with him anymore. There was so much more I could have done, so much more I wanted to do to improve our relationship, to improve myself. However, the truth is that Prescott wasn't reciprocating or putting forth effort to save our marriage. So there was nothing else I could do.

...right?

One of the most haunting memories I have is a moment near the end of our marriage when he told me (after I had just spent an hour listening to him and letting him cry in my arms, pouring out his feelings) that he wanted to find other friends and develop a friendship with them. I'll never forget what he said : "I look at our future, Alissa, and all I see is darkness. I feel like we will just never get to a point in our marriage where there is light. It's all dark."

My heart broke upon hearing this... It was one of the few times I have ever felt it literally break and pain shoot through my heart, ripping me apart. It was one of the most saddening things to hear that he saw our relationship as darkness. Yet here I was, doing everything in my power to save it. I didn't understand how or if he was doing the same. All I ever wanted was to be his friend. His companion. His confidant. Oh how I ached, how I hurt, holding him in my arms, listening to the emotions he was expressing, and holding back my tears so he could let his out. 

And just a while ago, I felt the same heartbreaking feelings when the new guy told me he wasn't able to come spend time with me. His show up is very similar to this behavior of Prescott's : not making time. I do not know what is going on in his life that has all of a sudden caused so much distance to be between he and I, but it is heart wrenching to put so much effort into a person, have so many hopes and dreams start to form again - something I didn't know if I would be able to feel ever again - only to have it come falling back down, heart break and all: crushed dreams, disappointed hopes, and shattered happiness.

And so here we are, this time of year. 

The leaves are falling again. . . 

Last year, when the leaves started to fall, I had just received revelation to divorce Prescott. 

Last year, when the leaves turned red and yellow and gold, I was battling a first year teaching job. 

Last year, when the leaves lost their softness and turned wrinkled and crisp, I was battling a kidney stone and a kidney infection. 

Last year, I didn't know how to be happy without Prescott. 

Now, as the leaves start to fall, I know I'm in a better place than I was. I know that I don't need to rely on someone else for my happiness. That being said, wouldn't it be wonderful to be loved again? 

I just don't know when that will happen...

Maybe . . . . maybe next year, when the leaves start to fall again. 









04 August 2020

Is it about me?

I wait patiently in the car as it is snowing. It’s freezing and I just want to go home. I’ve taken the day off from substitute teaching so I can have a job interview. I’ve just received a text from Prescott, and so I answer him back and ask him a question that I need the answer to as soon as possible. 

I don’t remember what the question was, only that it was important. 

I wait and wait, and as the single minutes add up, I start to wonder why he hasn’t answered me back. He had just been texting me, and I know he can see the text come through on his smart watch, so he knows I need help. 

I send him one more text, asking him if he could please respond because I need to know now.

He responds within seconds, and says something to the effect of how impatient I was. 

Suddenly, I’m afraid to go home because I know I’m in trouble.

When we are finally able to talk, we are both frustrated, and while I do not remember if I said anything hurtful or judge mental, he says to me, “I don’t like texting you because I feel like you are pressuring me to respond. I would rather not text you, Alissa.” 

And my heart sinks. During that conversation, I had told him how I would like to show love to one another by texting throughout the day, but on top of that, this was an urgent situation, and I had texted during a time when he didn’t have class and when he had just barely been texting me back. So I didn’t understand the pause. I was sorry for judging him, for being impatient. All I needed was his advice just then, and he had responded the way he did - overbearing and blameful. 

I always have something I want to share, or a picture I want to send. To me, texting was a way for communicating love. 

And he told me he didn’t want to.

I later asked my friends if I was crazy for wanting to text my husband throughout the day, and they all mentioned that they always texted their husbands. 

Well, I thought, perhaps my husband just doesn’t like texting....?

But in my heart, I knew that couldn’t be it. He messaged his sister on a regular basis. He was constantly communicating with people on his editing committee for the Philosophy Journal. He was hopefully in contact with a sponsor. He was always on his phone - all the time. What was the harm in responding to a simple text from your wife? 

Especially responding to a text just because she wants to tell you something? 

I look back and hope that I was understanding of his schedule, and I hope I didn’t ever do anything to cause pressure or make him react so that he felt he had to text me. I never wanted it to feel like an obligation....

I just wanted connection. And yet...it was always me...my fault. I always was doing something wrong. It was wrong to want him to text me back. 

Apparently. 

And it still is painful to think about, that my husband didn’t want to connect with me that way. I tried a million other ways at least to connect with him...and all it seemed to do was drive him further away. He didn’t have problems connecting with his sisters about DND, or with his mom about all the things I was doing to him (whatever they were), and he didn’t have problems connecting with old friends...so, why me? 

One of the most difficult emotions I’ve had to work through as I have gone through this process of healing is the emotion of self blame. It’s the opposite of being compassionate and understanding towards myself. My whole life, and certainly up to the end of my marriage, I’ve blamed myself for other people’s actions. It’s so easy to do because it gives me a reason to take the blame or the hurt for whatever happened onto myself. Sometimes I do it to myself, believing that it will keep the other person from hurting and somehow protect them. 

The truth is? I’m just hurting myself. 

I’m really really good at hurting myself. 

I tell myself all the lies :

He didn’t answer my text because I said something he didn’t like.

She didn’t call me today because I’m not a good sister.

I’m never going to be able to forgive because I’m such a bad and judge mental person. 

I’m inconsiderate and never willing to listen or forego blame.

He didn’t talk to me because I’m awkward.

He doesn’t like me because I’m ugly. 

He’s just saying that I’m pretty because he wants to use me. It isn’t really true. 

They don’t enjoy being around me because I’m divorced. 

I’m never going to be able to love again.

These thoughts cut me to my core. They hurt so badly. Why do I do that to myself? Well, perhaps it has to do with the fact that I’m still trying to love Alissa for the person that she is. Yes, I have flaws. But I’m not flawed. Yes, I’m divorced, but that doesn’t make me unworthy of love. Yes, I have red hair and freckles and acne and blemishes and sunburns and uneven skin tones...but I’m still beautiful. And perhaps? Maybe Heavenly Father loves my scars. Maybe he loves even all the parts of me that aren’t perfect like I wish they were. 

When events - which are out of my control - happen, the first thing to do is not to blame myself. The first step to take is to surrender the control, have compassion for how I feel, and let Heaven know that I feel sad, or unhappy, or hurt, or anxious, or depressed, or whatever it is. The first step is never to blame myself for what has happened, especially when it involves another person’s agency. They get to be them, and I get to be me. They are responsible for their own actions, and I am responsible for mine. Their actions say nothing about my worth, because I am always worthy of love. I always have worth because I. Am. Alissa. I am a daughter of Heavenly Parents. 

And that’s significant. 

So, is it about me? 

No, Alissa. Not entirely. Yes, you have a responsibility for your own thoughts and actions, but you never have responsibility over someone else. 

And so, though my heart aches and my eyes just want to cry tears of sadness, I will surrender those experiences, that hurtful place of shame and self denigration. I will surrender what I couldn’t control. 

Though the tears don’t hurt like the ache does....


12 July 2020

What matters most

“When you cannot do what you have always done, you only do what matters most.” Robert D. Hales 

Last week, I completed a 30 hour online Zoom training for teaching AP French, and as I sat listening to the presenter talking through the computer screen, I began to feel very overwhelmed. 

There are a lot of unknowns for teachers at this time because we don’t know how our classes will be affected by this virus; we don’t know what the dynamic will be having to teach with a mask on; we don’t know if our pay will be increased or decreased; we don’t know if we will be teaching online or at school, etc, etc. Heck I don’t even know how to teach a foreign language without students being able to watch me formulate the words with my mouth! 

So as I sat there, feeling more and more anxious about how I wasn’t going to be able to teach as I have always taught, or prepare lessons as I have always prepared them, I suddenly began to feel very much like I was out of control. 

Which I am. 

I mean, there is a microscopic virus in the loose, after all. 

Honestly, I think my fears make sense, and I think it’s understandable that I would be worried about how to accommodate all my students after having such a tragic sudden ending to the school year (having to teach online for three months). But then as I sat there panicking, I realized that, as Elder Hales suggests, I can learn to do what matters most. And that is all I need to expect of myself. 

Thankfully, for me, doing what matters most revolves around simplicity. 

I can prepare lessons one day at a time, I don’t have to know everything all at once. 
I can rely on what I did last year, thankfully. 
I can still meet my students’ needs, even if I have to learn day by day how to do that.
I can still teach and have fun and play games and be the crazy French teacher I do want to be. 

And perhaps the most important thing I can do is to allow my focus to remain constantly and consistently in Jesus Christ, because in his strength, I can do all things. 

Including teach school with a mask on. 😷👌🏻

So for anyone finding themselves worrying about what they can’t do anymore, I recommend doing what I did, as I sat in my chair, feeling the panic start to settle in. Focus on Christ. Focus on what you can do. And have faith that you can do it. 

15 June 2020

One step back, two steps forward

I was reading in the Book of Mormon about one of my most favorite prophets - Nephi. He had to try three different ways to get the record of the Jews to take into the wilderness with his family. He tried three times. Two failed. The third was successful.



I wonder how many times I have set out to accomplish what God asks me to do, only to decide that the task is just too hard and I should give up trying? 

Hopefully I don’t permit myself to do that very often..

I have learned many valuable lessons from my journey over this past year, one of which is that when the pathway becomes more difficult, that doesn’t make it the wrong road. It just means it’s going to take faith and trust to make it to the finish line. I hope God can always count on me to run his errands for him. 

But that’s just it....what is He asking me to do right now?

Inside, I’m hurting, aching, longing to move on, wishing to forget...and I believe God has provided me a way to do that. I’ve tried on my own to get past the pain, the sorrow, the deep abyss of grief...the abyss that never ends. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder why I had that nightmare, why I feel fear, why I screamed in my sleep, why I felt the physical pain again from experiences when I was married...and I wonder when will it end? When will I stop hurting? 

The flash backs hurt. The little triggers bring back the sorrow I’ve fought to hide, and the tears I’ve refused to cry. Every time I feel the heartache return, I feel like I travel two steps backwards.

Like today, I discovered that my brother wears the same deodorant that my husband wore. I remember that it was my favorite smell in the world because when my husband would wrap me in his arms, it was the smell of safety and love.

But then the awful memories return. It isn’t love that I feel anymore. The wound gapes open again, and I take two steps back.

Then I see a man who dances the way my husband did. I wish I could dance again: West Coast Swing, the Charleston, a riveting Cha-cha or a calm Night Club two step... I wish I could spin into my husband’s arms and fly across the floor as my dress swings in harmony with the swaying of our bodies to the music of a Viennese waltz...

And then I’m crying. And it’s like ripping open a wound again. Two steps back.

My friend...he says something I never wanted to hear about again, for it uncovers forgotten memories that I never wanted to revisit. And though my friend did not know, his comments all of a sudden uncover pain. And I catch my breath and close my eyes.

Two steps back.

Sometimes, a song comes on that we danced to on our wedding night. Oh, how it hurts to think of that magical night. I picture it for a split second, catch a tear that falls, and then?

Two steps back.  

I can’t hardly describe it, the ongoing roller coaster of moving forward and falling backward.

It’s a roller coaster that I don’t want to be on, and I need help getting off. I’m trying to turn to Christ. I’m trying to give the pain to him as soon as it comes. During days and moments like this, I remember a favorite phrase that Nephi wrote. When talking of his experience to retrieve the plates, he said of his third try, “I was led by the spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless, I went forth.” 



I guess in the words of Elder Holland, I did not come this far only to come this far. Life will get better.

People say that time will heal my wounds, but I beg to differ. Time does not heal wounds. Christ heals wounds. Time is killing me right now, and some wounds go too deep to just cure with time. Christ will heal me, help me move forward, and hug me when I cry. Christ will be my constant companion. 

And with his help, I’ll soon be taking two steps forward rather than backward. 



14 June 2020

Road trip warrior

I’ve been thinking about road trips lately. You know, the kinds that you take either spur of the moment or after having planned months in advance. There’s something about them that I have pondered for a while.

My most recent road trip was from Utah to Tennessee. I came to spend a month with my mom and my dad and see my siblings and surprise my brother on his 16th birthday, and that was such a happy moment for me. It was really quite fun to plan a secret road trip to come and surprise him.




I saw many wonders and beauties as I drove. From strange bugs in Texas to beautiful rocks in Moab, it wasn’t as boring as I thought it’d be. I did almost get hit - more than a couple of times, one was so close that I don’t know how it didn’t happen. I also got tired and sore along the way, but I packed some amazing snacks like tomatoes and cheese and chicken and applesauce and water and water and water.

However, I’m thinking about road trips with a different perspective. I’m thinking that road trips are just another way of saying “life experiences.” Road trips seem to be the short and long, expected and unexpected experiences in life. Sometimes it’s a spur of the moment, adrenalin rush experience. There are ups and there are downs, and we may get sore and see an occasional accident and potentially be in one. Road trips take us somewhere - usually. Most road trips have a purpose, whether that be pleasure or actually intending to arrive at a specific destination. Whatever the purpose of the trip, life is much the same in an odd sort of way. I think about this past year of my life and wonder why I ever embarked on such a road trip. And I can’t even say that it was worth it.

I think I feel trapped.

I think I feel like this road trip was supposed to have a purpose, and sometimes it doesn’t feel like it does.

I know that God provided me with the gas to go, the people to stay with, the money to pay for it, and the ability to survive it. And at the same time, I just can’t seem to believe that it happened.

Sometimes I wonder if this road trip has taken me to a place that I’ll escape from soon, or a place where I’ll be living in forever. And I guess I’ll never know... At least until I look back and realize that I learned whatever it is that Heavenly Father was hoping I would learn.

Perhaps I’m still driving. Perhaps I haven’t reached the destination yet.

All I know is that God can’t steer a parked car, and so I guess even if I don’t know the purpose of this road trip yet, I know He does. I know He can see the end from the beginning. And I know that I am still alive today because of him.

He truly has been so, so good to me. I don’t know what I did to merit the knowledge that I have; the truth that I have a Heavenly Father and Mother who help me and guide me as I turn to them. I don’t know how or why I was blessed to be born into a life with this truth taught in my family not why I was blessed to have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life when so many do not. All I can say is that I was.

And boy, some days I just wish I could turn the cruise control over to him, but alas. That would require no work on my part. :) so here I go, feet on the gas, ready to break and blinker to change lanes. I trust Him to be the best road trip warrior friend I’ve ever had.


15 May 2020

A teacher called Madame


I sat in his office, tears streaming down my face. I could hardly swallow. Reluctantly, I took a tissue out of the Kleenex box he had pushed towards me. “I just don’t think you will be able to become a French teacher,” he stated. Not knowing what to say next, I nodded. Then, trying to speak as little as possible, I waited for the conversation to end. When I left, I didn’t look back. All I could think about was how terribly hurt I felt and how terribly dark life seemed. Did no one believe in me? Was everything to turn against me, to tell me I would never make it? 

Fighting back tears, I slowly trudged down the hallway. I was lost. Broken. Alone. Insignificant and incapable. I walked without purpose, not sure where I was going and not truly sure who cared.

That day, something changed in me. Yes, I was hurt, but not permanently. I was broken, but not irreparable. I think I can safely say that I changed for the better; that I had been cut down, and the only thing I could do was learn to grow again. And somewhere in that time of learning to grow again, I think I finally started to understand what Madame meant.

Who is Madame, you ask? Well, let me tell you. And I guess you should know that there are, in fact, two of them.

I first met Madame McFarland when I was a short, freckle-faced sophomore at American Fork High School. Yes, I'm still just as short, but that's beside the point. I adored her right off the bat. She was different than my other teachers because, well, she was an encourager, a fighter, a kind and caring charismatic individual who watched out for small 10th graders like me.

Now, the vast majority of my friends who enrolled in and “passed” high school language classes tell me that they learned absolutely nothing from their teachers. As a teacher, I know that both teachers and students are responsible for the amount of learning being done in the classroom, so part of the problem came from them... But that’s a topic for another day. My point is that Madame McFarland was not one of those let’s-watch-a-movie-every-day type of teacher. No, she ran a strict regime, and people who didn’t work hard or ask for help got guillotined.

Figuratively, of course.

So, did I learn anything in her class, you ask?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Oh, I learned the grammar – the tenses, the si clauses, the “this, that, these, and those’s”; I learned the idiomatic expressions and the weather vocabulary . . .

But unlike all my friends, I learned a lot more than this.

Time travel with me back to the year 2010. I was in French 4 at the time, finally beginning to grasp the language in-between my fingertips (though I still didn’t know the alphabet. . . whoops). I remember Madame McFarland starting class with an enormous smile in her face, just like she always did. But that day was different because she started class in English.

**Insert surprised face**

To each of us, she handed a red sheet of card stock – also with English on it. That's when we all knew that something was up. And that's when Madame began her pep talk of all pep talks. We listened to her expound to us her teaching philosophy, her passion for helping students, and the depth of her sadness when students sell themselves short and choose to believe that aren’t good enough. As I listened to her, there in my hard, blue chair, I started to feel like I needed to believe in my abilities and talents. I will forever attribute my realization to the fact that one doesn’t have to wave pompoms in the air in order to be considered a cheerleader, for  that is precisely what Madame McFarland did. Cheerleader by choice, she stood there and rallied all our inner selves to believe that we could do anything we put our minds to. I still remember looking at the red sheet of paper and listening to her read it to us:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (Marianne Williamson)
When she had finished her pep talk and real class started, I carefully slipped the small read sheet of paper into the plastic cover of my binder. And there it stayed.

In fact, it followed me to college. Madame McFarland admonished us to keep our French skills up to par, so I suppose that she is the reason why I had enough courage to sign up for the hardest professor on campus.

Well, that’s what I had heard anyways. Hmm. The hardest professor on campus, you ask? Who is that?

Her name is Madame. Madame Thompson, to be exact. 

The first time I ever met Madame was in her French 321 class. She walked into class with her brief case and a giant smile on her face. She asked each of us where we were from and where we had learned French. I am sure I could barely peep something out like, “Je m’appelle Alissa et je suis d’American Fork,” and then I probably thought something like, “Oh no, is it ‘de American Fork’ or ‘d’American Fork?’ I was terrified to speak in that class because most of the class consisted of return missionaries who had the fluency to speak French far beyond what I was capable of doing, and I felt very unqualified to be there.

Incredibly inadequate.

I always did my homework, though, and to Madame’s eternal credit, she hardly called on me to give the answer, for which I was most grateful.

In Madame’s class, everyone had to give a news report called an “Actualité”, and usually we signed up for the days a long time in advance. I remember practicing my “Actualité” for my FHE group (no one understood it, but who cares), and then for my roommate. I practiced and practiced. When I arrived in class on the day it was my turn to give it, Madame walked in and did something she had never previously done, and that she never did again.

We sang a hymn.

And then we said a prayer.

And I tried to keep myself from crying.

What Madame Thompson could never have known is I had prayed for help and courage to make it through that day because my mind and heart felt like I would not. I knew I was probably not going to give a perfect “Actualité”, and I was probably going to speak really slowly and not know what to say sometimes. But after we sang the hymn Souviens-toi, which I had never heard before, and said a prayer, which I had never known how to do in French, I felt reassured that a Father in Heaven was there for me, cheering me on through everything I was doing. I don’t know how Madame concluded that we needed to sing a hymn and say a prayer that day, but this experience taught me to continue to believe in miracles.

And there were more miracles to come into my life, many of which came because of Madame Thompson. After being home from my mission for a semester, I applied to the Nursing Program at BYU and didn’t get in. I cried bitter tears and wondered what I would do with my educational career. I remember well the night when I sat at my computer, mouse in hand, ready to click the “Drop All Courses” button.

I was ready to give up.

I was ready to believe that I was inadequate to accomplish my dreams.

I did not push that button that night, and in fact, later on, I came to know that I needed to be a teacher instead. This was a leap of faith for me, for I have always considered myself a person who stumbles over her words and can never clearly explain anything (except for how to make toast - I can explain that). But Madame Thompson showed her confidence in me from the very beginning. She believed that I was capable of more than I realized, trusting me to be a student instructor, to write an online course, to give trainings to new teachers, and to be a student on whom she could rely.

I have now been through the fires of student teaching, my first year of teaching, and am hopeful that I will become a better and better teacher each day. I have many, many weaknesses, and sometimes I wonder if I should teach religion instead because I would at least then be teaching something that I excel at !

 Many people wonder why I still call my High School French teacher, “Madame”, and why I call my college professor “Madame” instead of Mrs. Thompson. And for me, the answer is really quite simple.

For me, the word Madame is more than just a title. It means something.

It means years and years of trying hard to succeed, in high school and in college, and the only people who believed in me were Madame McFarland and Madame Thomson.

It means that sometimes, on those lonely days in high school, the only one who cared about me was Madame.

It means that sometimes when I felt like a failure, when phonetics and vocabulary and speaking in front of the FR 411 class were too scary, Madame encouraged me.

It means that when I was walking down that long hallway, nearly 4 years ago now, out of the office of a professor who didn't believe in my abilities nor that I could make it as a French teacher, Heavenly Father knew I could make it because He would give me the help I needed. He already had given me the help I needed. 

Help in the form of a teacher called Madame.

And so it goes. I now carry the title. We'll have to see what this red-headed short and freckle faced Madame is capable of doing. 










26 April 2020

A dream is a wish your heart makes . . .


I often find myself singing this song. . . Sometimes there are tears in my eyes. Other times I feel hope; like someday I will be able to love again.

And . . . be loved . . .

Though when I'm in a particularly vulnerable place, I just sense the hesitancy of my heart. How could I ever love again? What must I do? My heart, you see, isn't sure I can believe my dream. Love again? It just won't ever be. It seems to believe that my chance is gone.

"A dream is a wish you heart makes, when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartache, whatever you wish for you keep. . . 

"Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing the dream that you wish will come true."

I guess that amidst all the pain, what I really hope is that someday, I will love again.




A dream is a wish your heart makes . . .

21 April 2020

It Couldn't Be Done.

Somebody said that it couldn’t be done,
     But, he with a chuckle replied
That "maybe it couldn’t," but he would be one
     Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
     On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
     That couldn’t be done, and he did it.

Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you’ll never do that;
     At least no one has done it";
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat,
     And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
     Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
     That couldn’t be done, and he did it.


There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
     There are thousands to prophesy failure;
There are thousands to point out to you one by one,
     The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle it in with a bit of a grin,
     Just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start to sing as you tackle the thing
     That "couldn’t be done," and you’ll do it.




This has been my life this past year. It couldn’t be done, I have told myself. It couldn’t be done. There’s no way I can survive now, starting a first year teacher job and being separated from the man I loved. 

It couldn’t be done by me alone. 

So God did it. 

There was no way I could begin the papers for a divorce, go through with the divorce, and pay for it. It couldn’t be done. It couldn’t be done, not in a billion years could I ever bring myself to divorce him, to let him go, to give up what I loved. It couldn’t be done. 

So God gave me the strength and I did it. The divorce started to take speed during the exact time I was suffering from a kidney infection, had to go to the hospital and miss 2 weeks of school. 

It couldn’t be done, to write him a letter and tell him what I was choosing to do. I didn’t have the strength in my body or heart. It just couldn’t be done. 

So God did it with me. 

And looking back on all the moments and prayers in which I told my Heavenly Father “this cannot be done,” I see that they couldn’t be done because I couldn’t do them. He did them. He moved my hands when I wrote that letter. He drove my car when I left my husband. He carried the boxes of belongings that once meant so much to me, but had to be thrown away. He erased the photos and wedding pictures that I used to love... He sent the texts, answered the phone, and lifted my spirit heavenward because he knew that’s where I would be safe, that’s where I would find love. 

It couldn’t be done. 

So God did it.

I read a talk the other day from Elder Bednar who expounded on Elder Maxwell’s statement, “Not shrinking is better than surviving.” As I talked about it with my sister, I realized a life changing truth : the difference between “not shrinking” and “surviving” is that when we choose to not shrink from our trials, we put our faith in Christ and in the God who loves us; we go through our trials, surrendering our will to God’s. In contrast, when we choose to survive, we trust in our own strength and abilities which, however reliable they may be, are nevertheless limited in scope and longevity. 

This I learned and keep learning as now I face some of the aftershocks of what I have been through. 

My guess is that everyone reading this has felt like they live in survival mode from time to time, had felt like they were going to lose their grip on the lifeline they needed. I know everyone has or will feel like the impossible task is staring them in the face. 

And.

I know that with God, you can do it.




13 April 2020

Help is on the way.

I raced through campus, my heavy textbooks in my arms. My legs were shaking because I had run so far, but I was way behind schedule, and running was the best option. I had been printing out my essay in the library, but it had taken way too long. As a result, I was now rushing against the clock, hoping to not be too late to class.

That always seemed to happen to me. 

Rushing. I was always rushing.

Most days, I could hardly eat because I was so stressed. I was teaching French 101, a battle in itself. I was heartbroken because of vanished dating dreams, and I was pretty lost in a couple of my classes. Trying to stay on top of it all was starting to overwhelm me. 

I finally made it into the Humanities building where I would be able to turn in my essay before class. I raced to the elevator and pushed the button as hard as I could, hoping that would somehow make it come faster. I knew there was no way that my fatigued legs and aching back could make it up the three flights of stairs. 

As the elevator doors opened and I stumbled inside, I pushed the button for the third floor, leaned my head against the wall, closed my eyes and said a prayer that went exactly like this : 

“Heavenly Father, please help me.” 

And then, I opened my eyes. And staring back at me were these words:

Help is on the way. 



Tears filled my eyes as I remembered that God always has promised to his children help in their times of need, no matter where they are or what they are doing. He always has time to hear our prayers when we need him, or even when we just need someone to talk to, to laugh with, to cry with. He always has time for us. And He always will send help to those who believe and trust him and will have him to be their God. And even if sometimes you don’t believe anymore that He is there for you, all He asks is that you show a tiny grain of faith, even if it’s as small as a mustard seed, and believe that He is there. 

Miracles happen because of tiny grains of faith.

Help is on the way.

That’s what Heavenly Father told me today, when the feelings of hurt and pain came back. When the physical heart ache ripped through my heart and threw me to my knees. Today when the tears burned my eyes and I wondered if the pain would ever go away. God told me, “Help is on the way.”

He has been so, so good to me. And I look back on that experience in the elevator, four years ago now, and realize he has sent help to me every step of this journey of marriage, separation, and divorce. He has been there. He has sent angels, friends, an angelic counselor, leaders from my days in young women’s, family members, words of comfort, songs of peace, images of his love, all of this. He has sent help. And help is still and always will be on the way. 

So let me share with you a poem I recently wrote which has truly helped me remember that when life takes a turn for the worst, Heavenly Father has the strength we do not have, and will send the help that we desperately need. 

He did it for me then, when I was a worried college girl, and he can do it for you. He does it for me every single day. 

Just remember : 
Help is on the way


I fall to my knees, my body too weak,
As tears burn my eyes, for there aren’t words to speak. 

My arms fold in prayer as I desperately plead
For something, for someone, to take this from me. 

 know in my mind how great, God, thou art, 
But I need you to write this truth in my heart. 

I feel so much sadness, hurt, pain, and grief, 
Yet, I know you still love me; Its just hard to believe...

Because the chaos around me says hope should be gone.
Though I refuse to believe this, it’s hard to  press on -

Through darkness and trial and this storm in my life,
Relying on strength provided by Christ. 

This is all that I ask, Father, for Christ’s strength each day. 
Then softly I hear, “Help is on the way.”

“I’ll send you my Spirit to comfort your heart,
I’ll send you my love when the spiraling starts. 

“I’ll guard you with legions of angels from Heaven,
To carry you through what trials are given.

“And when you are lost and can’t find the way, 
my strength will be with you for each step of faith.”

The voice disappears but the feeling has stayed, 
And my smile returns, for “Help is on the way.” 


Love, 
Sunshine