It was cold and gray and dark outside most of the time. Somehow the weather seemed to match how I was feeling. I often left the house when it was dark and came back when it was dark. I also often left each morning with anxiety butterflies in my stomach and utter fear in my mind, and came back in tears of relief and desire to never do it again. Such was my life as a substitute teacher.
I felt like everything in my life was out of control, from my mental and physical health to my marriage to the rough students I had to substitute teach each day. I couldn’t control anything. Substitute teaching kind of goes like this :
1. Pick a sub job (elementary or secondary)
2. Locate the school on Google maps and calculate how long it takes to get there from home
3. Go to bed as early as possible
4. Wake up around 6 or 7 to arrive at the school on time
5. Search for the sub plans, if there were any, try to understand said sub plans, try to execute said sub plans.
It never goes the way it should, let me just say that.
I won’t get into all the details here, but suffice it to say that after a) getting beat up emotionally by students who didn’t care what words came out of their mouths, b) never knowing what to expect each morning I arrived at a school, and c) always catching some sort of sickness from the students, I was pretty much spent. I was so, so done.
And then, I caught mono.
I wasn’t able to work for several weeks, and was flown to Tennessee to participate in a study on Antibodies since mine were apparently off the charts...something quite rare to come by.
When I came back, we used the money I had earned from participating in the study to pay rent. But since I couldn’t work for the next several weeks, our income plateaued. My husband continued to work his 10 hours per week...but it wasn’t enough.
In those dark, lonely days, I often felt clouded and confused, never truly knowing how we were going to get by. I contemplated what it would be like if I just didn’t exist. What if I just wasn’t here anymore? Would anyone notice I was gone?
...Have you ever wondered that? Have you ever been so overwhelmingly distraught that the thought of just not existing any more seems like a good idea?
I was losing light, and I was losing hope. My parents wondered where their Sunshine had gone...and to be honest ?
I wondered the same thing.
Sometimes I fell to my knees at night, so confused and lost that I didn’t even know what to ask for, let alone how. I never doubted that God was there for me... I only doubted myself, my lovability, and my enoughness.
It was then that I saw a miracle.
It’s really hard to put in words how absolutely destitute I was, and how sick I was to my stomach each time I checked the remaining balance in my Bank Account. It was almost empty. Then one morning, as I logged on, I noticed a deposit from my mother. All her hard work, her sacrifice to have a job and be a mom at the same time, combined with her love, was deposited into my account.
I could hardly speak. My mom used the last of her paycheck to pay for our rent. My gratitude is incapable of expression, for her sacrifice truly truly saved my life.
Despite her sacrifice, my husband showed no gratitude for what she had done. Nothing changed, other than the fact that my mom literally saved my life. So that was the first miracle - my mother and her charity. But everything around me still felt dark and lonely and utterly destitute. I needed to climb out of a spiral that was unending, and taking me down fast.
It was on one of those dark evenings that a neighbor texted me, asking me how I was doing. Knowing she had probably seen me either leave the apartment in tears or come back in tears, I answered honestly - no, things were not okay, and my marriage was not okay. She then gave me the number to someone who would be willing to take clients for over the phone counseling sessions. I thanked her and put this counselor on the back of my mind. There was no way I could pay $50 for even one session. Plus, I didn’t have the courage to talk to her yet.
But the courage soon came when I could tell that things were spiraling out of control. It came from God through a friend who encouraged me to call her and just talk.
So I did.
...But she didn’t answer, and so I tried to leave a message but stopped when I could no longer speak because of the sobs of fear, despair, and utter loneliness.
I didn’t know what to do. She was my only idea. My only possible solution. My body slumped against the seat of my car and I lay my head on my steering wheel. I had left the house to be alone so I could call her...and now? I truly truly was alone.
And then, a ray of sunlight came through my window. And as I felt the warmth of it on my face, I was reminded that God was always there for me.
He just needed me to wait, and hold on a little longer, simply having trust in Him. So I trusted him, I knew He could work a miracle that somehow, someone would help me.
I don’t remember when, but not long after I calmed down and went back home, she texted me and said a time we could talk about what was going on. Bless her heart, I cried so much those first phone calls. But little by little, she enabled me to pull myself out of the depths of despair.
And to her eternal credit, she turned out of her own trials to help me through mine, never once asking for a dime, not a single penny in return for what she has done for me. God truly gave me a gift through her. She got me through the worst experience of my life, and has taught me so many wonderful truths. And still, almost a year later, she has never once given up on me, never once forgotten me. She cheers me on and helps me find myself again.
I share this because I know that if God can give me that kind of a miracle, and pull me out of the spiraling depths of despair and vanished hopes, then he can for you, too. All you have to do is believe in him. Trust that he is there. Pray with real intent to know if he is listening. And then, believe in miracles. I have seen them happen in my life so many times, and I know you will see them in yours. It just takes one small step of faith. And then another.
And pretty soon, God will have worked a miracle.
