One step back, two steps forward

I was reading in the Book of Mormon about one of my most favorite prophets - Nephi. He had to try three different ways to get the record of the Jews to take into the wilderness with his family. He tried three times. Two failed. The third was successful.

I wonder how many times I have set out to accomplish what God asks me to do, only to decide that the task is just too hard and I should give up trying? 

Hopefully I don’t permit myself to do that very often..

I have learned many valuable lessons from my journey over this past year, one of which is that when the pathway becomes more difficult, that doesn’t make it the wrong road. It just means it’s going to take faith and trust to make it to the finish line. I hope God can always count on me to run his errands for him. 

But that’s just it....what is He asking me to do right now?

Inside, I’m hurting, aching, longing to move on, wishing to forget...and I believe God has provided me a way to do that. I’ve tried on my own to get past the pain, the sorrow, the deep abyss of grief...the abyss that never ends. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder why I had that nightmare, why I feel fear, why I screamed in my sleep, why I felt the physical pain again from experiences when I was married...and I wonder when will it end? When will I stop hurting? 

The flash backs hurt. The little triggers bring back the sorrow I’ve fought to hide, and the tears I’ve refused to cry. Every time I feel the heartache return, I feel like I travel two steps backwards.

Like today, I discovered that my brother wears the same deodorant that my husband wore. I remember that it was my favorite smell in the world because when my husband would wrap me in his arms, it was the smell of safety and love.

But then the awful memories return. It isn’t love that I feel anymore. The wound gapes open again, and I take two steps back.

Then I see a man who dances the way my husband did. I wish I could dance again: West Coast Swing, the Charleston, a riveting Cha-cha or a calm Night Club two step... I wish I could spin into my husband’s arms and fly across the floor as my dress swings in harmony with the swaying of our bodies to the music of a Viennese waltz...

And then I’m crying. And it’s like ripping open a wound again. Two steps back.

My friend...he says something I never wanted to hear about again, for it uncovers forgotten memories that I never wanted to revisit. And though my friend did not know, his comments all of a sudden uncover pain. And I catch my breath and close my eyes.

Two steps back.

Sometimes, a song comes on that we danced to on our wedding night. Oh, how it hurts to think of that magical night. I picture it for a split second, catch a tear that falls, and then?

Two steps back.  

I can’t hardly describe it, the ongoing roller coaster of moving forward and falling backward.

It’s a roller coaster that I don’t want to be on, and I need help getting off. I’m trying to turn to Christ. I’m trying to give the pain to him as soon as it comes. During days and moments like this, I remember a favorite phrase that Nephi wrote. When talking of his experience to retrieve the plates, he said of his third try, “I was led by the spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless, I went forth.” 

I guess in the words of Elder Holland, I did not come this far only to come this far. Life will get better.

People say that time will heal my wounds, but I beg to differ. Time does not heal wounds. Christ heals wounds. Time is killing me right now, and some wounds go too deep to just cure with time. Christ will heal me, help me move forward, and hug me when I cry. Christ will be my constant companion. 

And with his help, I’ll soon be taking two steps forward rather than backward.