Is it about me?

I wait patiently in the car as it is snowing. It’s freezing and I just want to go home. I’ve taken the day off from substitute teaching so I can have a job interview. I’ve just received a text from Prescott, and so I answer him back and ask him a question that I need the answer to as soon as possible. 

I don’t remember what the question was, only that it was important. 

I wait and wait, and as the single minutes add up, I start to wonder why he hasn’t answered me back. He had just been texting me, and I know he can see the text come through on his smart watch, so he knows I need help. 

I send him one more text, asking him if he could please respond because I need to know now.

He responds within seconds, and says something to the effect of how impatient I was. 

Suddenly, I’m afraid to go home because I know I’m in trouble.

When we are finally able to talk, we are both frustrated, and while I do not remember if I said anything hurtful or judge mental, he says to me, “I don’t like texting you because I feel like you are pressuring me to respond. I would rather not text you, Alissa.” 

And my heart sinks. During that conversation, I had told him how I would like to show love to one another by texting throughout the day, but on top of that, this was an urgent situation, and I had texted during a time when he didn’t have class and when he had just barely been texting me back. So I didn’t understand the pause. I was sorry for judging him, for being impatient. All I needed was his advice just then, and he had responded the way he did - overbearing and blameful. 

I always have something I want to share, or a picture I want to send. To me, texting was a way for communicating love. 

And he told me he didn’t want to.

I later asked my friends if I was crazy for wanting to text my husband throughout the day, and they all mentioned that they always texted their husbands. 

Well, I thought, perhaps my husband just doesn’t like texting....?

But in my heart, I knew that couldn’t be it. He messaged his sister on a regular basis. He was constantly communicating with people on his editing committee for the Philosophy Journal. He was hopefully in contact with a sponsor. He was always on his phone - all the time. What was the harm in responding to a simple text from your wife? 

Especially responding to a text just because she wants to tell you something? 

I look back and hope that I was understanding of his schedule, and I hope I didn’t ever do anything to cause pressure or make him react so that he felt he had to text me. I never wanted it to feel like an obligation....

I just wanted connection. And yet...it was always me...my fault. I always was doing something wrong. It was wrong to want him to text me back. 

Apparently. 

And it still is painful to think about, that my husband didn’t want to connect with me that way. I tried a million other ways at least to connect with him...and all it seemed to do was drive him further away. He didn’t have problems connecting with his sisters about DND, or with his mom about all the things I was doing to him (whatever they were), and he didn’t have problems connecting with old friends...so, why me? 

One of the most difficult emotions I’ve had to work through as I have gone through this process of healing is the emotion of self blame. It’s the opposite of being compassionate and understanding towards myself. My whole life, and certainly up to the end of my marriage, I’ve blamed myself for other people’s actions. It’s so easy to do because it gives me a reason to take the blame or the hurt for whatever happened onto myself. Sometimes I do it to myself, believing that it will keep the other person from hurting and somehow protect them. 

The truth is? I’m just hurting myself. 

I’m really really good at hurting myself. 

I tell myself all the lies :

He didn’t answer my text because I said something he didn’t like.

She didn’t call me today because I’m not a good sister.

I’m never going to be able to forgive because I’m such a bad and judge mental person. 

I’m inconsiderate and never willing to listen or forego blame.

He didn’t talk to me because I’m awkward.

He doesn’t like me because I’m ugly. 

He’s just saying that I’m pretty because he wants to use me. It isn’t really true. 

They don’t enjoy being around me because I’m divorced. 

I’m never going to be able to love again.

These thoughts cut me to my core. They hurt so badly. Why do I do that to myself? Well, perhaps it has to do with the fact that I’m still trying to love Alissa for the person that she is. Yes, I have flaws. But I’m not flawed. Yes, I’m divorced, but that doesn’t make me unworthy of love. Yes, I have red hair and freckles and acne and blemishes and sunburns and uneven skin tones...but I’m still beautiful. And perhaps? Maybe Heavenly Father loves my scars. Maybe he loves even all the parts of me that aren’t perfect like I wish they were. 

When events - which are out of my control - happen, the first thing to do is not to blame myself. The first step to take is to surrender the control, have compassion for how I feel, and let Heaven know that I feel sad, or unhappy, or hurt, or anxious, or depressed, or whatever it is. The first step is never to blame myself for what has happened, especially when it involves another person’s agency. They get to be them, and I get to be me. They are responsible for their own actions, and I am responsible for mine. Their actions say nothing about my worth, because I am always worthy of love. I always have worth because I. Am. Alissa. I am a daughter of Heavenly Parents. 

And that’s significant. 

So, is it about me? 

No, Alissa. Not entirely. Yes, you have a responsibility for your own thoughts and actions, but you never have responsibility over someone else. 

And so, though my heart aches and my eyes just want to cry tears of sadness, I will surrender those experiences, that hurtful place of shame and self denigration. I will surrender what I couldn’t control. 

Though the tears don’t hurt like the ache does....