Surrender.

Several years ago, I was laying in bed one night reading my scriptures when, as I was cross referencing something, I came across this story. It's told by President Thomas S. Monson in his talk entitled, "In Search of Treasures."

"In late 1892 Benjamin was asked to travel to Salt Lake to audition for a place with the territorial orchestra. For him, this was a dream come true. After several weeks of practicing and prayers, he went to Salt Lake in March of 1893 for the much anticipated audition. When he heard Benjamin play, the conductor, a Mr. Dean, told Benjamin he was the most accomplished violinist he had heard west of Denver. He was told to report to Denver for rehearsals in the fall and learned that he would be earning enough to keep himself, with some left over to send home.

"A week after Benjamin received the good news, however, his bishop called him into his office and asked if he couldn’t put off playing with the orchestra for a couple of years. He told Benjamin that before he started earning money there was something he owed the Lord. He then asked Benjamin to accept a mission call.

"Benjamin felt that giving up his chance to play in the territorial orchestra would be almost more than he could bear, but he also knew what his decision should be. He promised the bishop that if there were any way to raise the money for him to serve, he would accept the call.

"When Benjamin told his mother about the call, she was overjoyed. She told him that his father had always wanted to serve a mission but had been killed before that opportunity had come to him. However, when they discussed the financing of the mission, her face clouded over. Benjamin told her he would not allow her to sell any more of their land. She studied his face for a moment and then said, “Ben, there is a way we can raise the money. This family [has] one thing that is of great enough value to send you on your mission. You will have to sell your violin.”

"Ten days later, on March 23, 1893, Benjamin wrote in his journal: “I awoke this morning and took my violin from its case. All day long I played the music I love. In the evening when the light grew dim and I could see to play no longer, I placed the instrument in its case. It will be enough. Tomorrow I leave [for my mission].”

"Forty-five years later, on June 23, 1938, Benjamin wrote in his journal: “The greatest decision I ever made in my life was to give up something I dearly loved to the God I loved even more. He has never forgotten me for it.”

This passage so inspired me that I felt to write a poem. I started the first stanza and promptly forgot about it.

One year later, I finished it.

And shortly after that, I got married . . . and my life began to change. It wasn't until I was in the thickness of it all, alone and afraid, that I remembered the poem.

It saved me. 

For a long time, it has had no title, but I think now I know what to call it.

Surrender.

I fall to my knees at the end of the day,
The tears leave my eyes, and I have nothing to say.
I feel overcome by the darkness inside.
It tortures my spirit, and I just want to hide.
My heart has been torn and it won't seem to heal,
And I long for the happiness that I used to feel.

I question my faith as I kneel by my bed:
Do I truly believe Christ will do as He said?
This pain overwhelms me and aches in my soul!
Do I truly believe Christ can make my heart whole?

How can I let go of the things I hold dear,
How can I give place for faith over fear?
When the future is dim and I can't see the light,
How can I keep walking when I'm afraid of the night?

The Truth is that sometimes we experience pain
because that is the only way to obtain
The joy and the happiness we were sent here to have,
Amidst all our anguish and days that are sad.

Though cry as we will, God numbers our tears.
He answers our prayers and he quiets our fears.
Quite simply the truth is in order to feel
The love He extends for our hearts to heal,
To Him our will we must surrender up,
And sometimes must drink from the small bitter cup.

But He promises blessings and joy through the tears,
So I'll continue to trust and believe that he hears
The pleas of my heart, though weak I may be.
He won't leave me comfortless - He will come unto me.

Quietly, gently, peace comforts my soul
And beside me I picture my loving Saviour.
As I choose to act in the way that Christ did,
As I say what He'd say and live as He lived,
I cannot completely partake of God's gift
Until I have given the one thing to give.

My desires and passions, though right they may be,
Are nothing compared to what God wants for me.
As I freely will choose to follow His son;
I'll give him my will so that we can be one.
His purpose, my purpose, His will is now mine,
He knows he can trust me with errands divine.

So here is my faith, my desires, my dreams.
I'll give them to thee, though hard it may seem.
I'll give what I love and the life I adore,
Surrender my will to the God I love more.


And that's what I feel that I have done - I gave it all to God. I surrendered what I wanted. I surrendered my control, at least the efforts to control. I never really controlled anything in my marriage at all, for better or worse, I'll never know.

The hard thing about surrender is that it has to be a daily thing for a while. Sometimes hourly. But it is getting better.

Let me rephrase that - I am getting better. 

I. Me. Alissa Murdoch.