"How do you go on . . .

 . . . when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.” J.R.R. Tolkien

Lots of people tell me that time mends wounds. Time heals everything. I guess that's where the need for patience comes in, but I also would say that because some hurts go too deep, time alone cannot mend them. For me, that's where Christ comes in. He can heal what time cannot.

The reason this is significant is because I am learning how to surrender. Surrendering some of the saddest things that have ever happened to me. I never imagined that I would be divorced, but here I am. :) Wounded, but willing to go on.

Except, the battle still rages in my head. . . . It's hard to accept the reality.

I cannot go back. I cannot change him. 

I cannot go back. I cannot bring him back. 

I cannot go back. I cannot love him more than I did. 

I cannot go back. . . . He probably wouldn't take me back. And that hurts. 

Yes, it happened again today. That moment when someone calls me by my last name that isn't part of my identity anymore. When someone assumes that I have just gotten married, so that's why I have two last names. When the reality is that I have done just the opposite. 

Yes, it happened again. That moment when I am walking down the stairs and all of a sudden I've got tears in my eyes, tears that burn and hurt and are hot because they've been held back for too long. The trigger today was that my mind took me back to my rings again. My beautiful rings...the ones he made me, the ones he bought me. The one he embellished with mother of pearl, the one he bought that was my dream. I have long since known that one of my love languages is gifts, and therefore it is understandable that I would be so attached to my rings, so attached to something that I so purely and innocently loved. I loved them. He showed love for me when he gave them to me, right? 

Right? Doesn't that mean he loves me? 

It's not about the rings, Alissa. It's not about the rings, my mind whispers.

I cannot go back. I handed them to him, that terrible day that I went to get all my belongings. I left them securely in that box, that beautiful mahogany box...my beautiful rings that I loved.

Yes, it happened again. That moment when my mind flashed back suddenly and without warning to the last time I ever saw him. The look in his eyes, the darkness inside me, the burden.

I remember the last time I ever saw him. Oh, how heartbreaking it is that our marriage got to that point.

In all of my pain, I must say that it is healing and I am getting stronger. 

I read a book recently entitled, "Out of the Ashes," written by Ruth Davidson. She writes something that really struck me, and really validated all my pain, ultimately helping me to not feel guilty or obligated to go back to him .  She says, 

"How will I know when my spouse is on the right path? What does the picture of a 'humble' spouse look like?" 

"Many want to know if their spouses have reached a point where true healing can begin to occur. Some of the guidelines to watch out for are : 1) complete and open confessions of sins with nothing witheld. If there are sins not fully confessed, those sins will inevitably resurface in recurring falls, bringing in continued contention into a relationship; 2) a willingness to bear the burden of fixing the broken relationship. If any statements by a transgressor begin with, "There are changes that you should be making, too; this isn't about just me" or "You'e not handling this as you're supposed to be handling it," true humility has not yet occurred. Other signs to watch for are: 3) a willingness to listen and understand an injured spouse's anger and feelings, which entails putting aside personal agendas while concentrating solely on helping the wounded spouse; 4) ongoing apologies for behaviors of the past. Mark H. Butler (a marriage and family therapist) said that he's seen truly repentant spouses continue to apologize for past mistakes, even when the injured spouses feel like they're "over it." Another sign of true repentance includes: 5) increasing love and devotion toward a spouse, including expressions of gratitude for any forgiveness that has come and for a spouse's willingness to work through the devastation that has occurred."

It was incredibly validating to read this, realizing that while I loved the man with all that I had, the love was rarely reciprocated. And if it was more often than just rarely, I didn't ever interpret it as that.  It is hard to go forward, simply because I saw the good side of him, I saw the amazing man that he is, and I saw his potential. I felt God's love for him - that is a feeling I have never forgotten. I was blessed to be divinely aware of just how much God loved this man. 

And yet . . . the hurt goes too deep. 

And so, I go on. I go on because I cannot go back.