love is what you go through together

 

There's so much heartache in this world. So much. And a lot of it goes unseen, uncared for, unhealed. 

I weep at the number of times I hear my students say that they don't feel happy at home, don't spend time with their siblings, or don't get along with their parents. There are always two sides to a story, but it's hard for me to know that there's even a story in the first place. 

And then there are people my age who, one relationship after another, feel more and more hopeless that they will ever be or ever find the one to marry. To love. 

I feel like we all have at least this one, same need, same desire, same hope, to feel loved, heard, and seen. 

I know I do. That is what I yearn for is a relationship where I feel loved, seen, and heard. I ache to know that the man I marry will love me and hear me and see me. 

I ache to be heard when I cry, and not pushed aside or ignored. 

I want to see my husband back up his promises with his actions, show his love through feelings and actions, and I want to do the same. Love...it doesn't grow except by actions. "Greater love hath no man than this, than a man lay down his life for his friends." We do hard things sometimes because of our love for others. 

Perhaps, then, the life I lay down for my prince charming isn't a physical one - but a life unseen by all except God and I. I want to lay down my pride, my hate, my judgement, my insecurities; I want to become someone that my husband can trust and confide in without worry of judgement or rejection. 

I want to  hold him when he hurts, cheer with him when he is excited, and go with hem when the pathway gets steep and daunting. 

I want to help him heal from the hurt that nobody else can see and tell him that he can trust me with his heart; help him heal from the hurt that nobody apologized for. I want to celebrate with him every time he conquers temptation or steps out of his comfort zone. 

I want him to know and feel that he is loved. 

No matter what. 

"Love is what you go through together." We get to create our love story. We get to keep choosing each other. We get to discover that ever so powerful feeling because we keep turning to each other for help and strength. 

Love is what you go through together. 

And so the rain comes

The thunderstorm has started. It said it would start at 10pm, and here we are. Having a 10pm thunderstorm. Wouldn't it be nice if all things in life were predictable? Understandable? Comprehensible? 

The rain is coming down hard now, and there are some flashes of lightning. I can count between the lightning and the sound and gauge where the storm is relative to me. 

But I cannot count seconds and figure out how far happiness is from my heart. Or why the heartache hurts for so long without any glimmer of healing. Or why I can't just push aside what I feel and predict a good outcome if I act in a certain way.

I don't always know what I need. I don't always understand what I feel. 

I just know I need something. 

And I also just know I feel something I don't want to feel. 

...Is that complicated? Maybe I'm just a complicated person. I suppose to one degree or another, we all are. 

The clouds get darker and the wind is blowing. I suppose the world is ready for a little bit of nourishment.

And so the rain comes. 

I suppose that, deep down, I need to change. I need to make room for another person's needs over my own. I need to listen without judgment and speak without guile. I need to love unconditionally and validate continually. 

I guess, in part, my emotions are such that I don't know how to handle similar scenarios. The first time I experienced this exact same thing in the past didn't end well. 

And this time? 

Flash. Pouring rain. 

Thunder. 

...Tears in my eyes. 

This one must end better. It has to end better. 

And so the rain comes down...

Teacher

 This week, it was hard to be a teacher. 

Maybe you're thinking, "Well,  that's a normal thing for a teacher to say." But let me separate two things: teaching as a career and being a teacher. 

It's always hard to teach. It's never easy to do what a teacher does all day every day, especially doing my job during hours outside of my contract. That's never easy. 

But being a teacher? Usually, it's a pleasure, something that brings me joy. I love my students. I love being someone they can talk to. I take seriously being their confidant. I cherish sharing my personality and love of the French language and culture with them.

Yet this week, it was really, really hard because I had to be a teacher who was strong, fearless, diligent. I had to show up again and again emotionally for students who may or may not have felt as terrified and vulnerable as I did after the school shooting this week. 

About 8 minutes from my home, there is a private Christian school that children in kindergarten through 6th grade attend. On Monday, a 28 year old woman shot her way into the school and killed three children and three adults. 

My school is situated right by the hospital, so imagine being informed about the shooting, then hearing the sirens of the ambulances, carrying the children and adults to the hospital.

Imagine not knowing if your school is next; not knowing if this is a linked school shooting. Not knowing if your school will lock down or send kids home or just keep going like "normal."

I've always felt emotional pain in the aftermath of school shootings. But what is really hard is that this one was close to home. This one was different because it felt more real that it could have been my school. My life. My kids' lives.

I don't have a problem defending my students' lives with my own, but I don't want to do that. 

Solutions, you might ask? Well, first of all, giving teachers a gun is not the right plan. Where on earth would I keep it? And having guns on campus around hundreds of little kids? I don't know of any other job in the world where at the work place, you're expected to defend your life. 

Is it possible to up security at a school? Build doors that automatically lock, or that when opened, set off an alarm? Yes, but do we have the money for that? 

Nope. 

Wanna know where money is going? 

Sports. Infrastructure. The military. 

So when do we choose to find a solution that works? Well, that depends entirely upon us. Are we going to let the country remain polarized and incapable of discussion? Or are we going to push for change? Because anything above 0 school shootings is unacceptable. 

But since when has anyone listened to a teacher . . .