To hear and to see

Dear self…..

It’s okay that you feel sad. I know it was something you wanted to do, play music with him and talk to him and rekindle a friendship with him. 

In all honesty, you are doing your best to be a good friend. And though you are discouraged because it seems to be thrown back in your face, you can also be happy that you are trying; trying to be good. Trying to be happy. Trying to honor who you are and what you stand for. You stand for humility, responsibility, honesty, and vulnerability. Relationships that last are built on trust - you know this. I am so sad that you feel like you cannot trust him anymore. What a heartbreaking thing. 

I do- I remember how much fun the beginning of the semester was, and how much you looked forward to being with Jacob. I remember how you felt you had a friend - someone who heard you and saw you for who you were. I think that in a way, he still does that - though you may not fully see it. And you are definitely shy and hesitate to talk about that. I understand. I hear your crying and see your tears. I see your heartbreak and hear your prayer to find someone who will be your good friend. 

I know you wonder what has changed. What could have possibly gone wrong because you feel like there’s distance between you two. I don’t know what to do about it, but I know God does. I hear you, Alissa, and your pure heart makes sense. If Jacob feels uncomfortable around you, that doesn’t mean you have done something wrong or are all of a sudden walking the wrong road. It just means he feels differently than you do.

And now that you know what it feels like to be around Jacob (at least, previous to this distance), you can look for that same, deep connection with someone else. Remember that Jacob is his own person and you cannot force your expectations on him. You cannot expect him to do something and then feel hurt when it doesn’t happen. You just have to trust the Lord and trust you will be okay. 

That this isn’t something to be worried about. Marriage will happen when it needs to, and when you find that celestial friend, I think you will know. 

❤️ Alissa