I love this time of year for a couple of reasons :
1. General Conference comes again.
2. The leaves change color.
3. Some of my favourite constellations come out at night :)
I really very strongly dislike this time of year for a couple of reasons :
1. It's cold.
2. Parent teacher conferences last for 5 hours after school on a Thursday, and I still have to come to school and teach the next day . . . Sleep is scarce.
3. My parents aren't around, which means that I can't drive to my house, pick grapes, rake leaves, or put up fall decorations with my mother.
:(
It's really hard to stay positive right now, but I am doing my best. Sometimes it's all I can do to not quit my job, and sometimes I feel like I could teach forever. Right now, I am somewhere in between, hoping I don't catch the "Rona"
But I didn't come here to talk about my job. No, I came here to tell you that I miss him.
A lot.
I miss my previous husband. I miss dancing. I miss laughing. I miss his smile. I miss his sisters. And his grandparents. I miss feeling wrapped in his arms. I didn't know how much I missed being hugged until a couple of weeks ago when a guy I really like gently wrapped me in his arms.
But now I like this new guy a lot less . . .
He brightened my day and helped me to laugh again. He and I could talk for hours about our scripture study, about our gospel insights, about our experiences we have lived through. He's divorced, too, so we really had a great connection.
But. . . part of me says that I should have known it was too good to be true. The wounded side of my heart says that he is acting just like my previous husband did. Prescott rarely scheduled time to spend with me and develop our relationship. There were a lot of communication issues for both of us, but I know I did what I could to connect with him. The thing about connection though? It takes two people with the desire. Near the end, Prescott wasn't even in a position to understand my feelings, nor discuss them. And I was too afraid to share them. All my pleas throughout the months to do something together or to have him organize a date only happened from time to time. I felt insignificant. I felt like a burden to him. And sometimes I just felt like he was frustrated with me - whether or not he was, I'll never know. Other days - like today - I really regret that I'm not with him anymore. There was so much more I could have done, so much more I wanted to do to improve our relationship, to improve myself. However, the truth is that Prescott wasn't reciprocating or putting forth effort to save our marriage. So there was nothing else I could do.
...right?
One of the most haunting memories I have is a moment near the end of our marriage when he told me (after I had just spent an hour listening to him and letting him cry in my arms, pouring out his feelings) that he wanted to find other friends and develop a friendship with them. I'll never forget what he said : "I look at our future, Alissa, and all I see is darkness. I feel like we will just never get to a point in our marriage where there is light. It's all dark."
My heart broke upon hearing this... It was one of the few times I have ever felt it literally break and pain shoot through my heart, ripping me apart. It was one of the most saddening things to hear that he saw our relationship as darkness. Yet here I was, doing everything in my power to save it. I didn't understand how or if he was doing the same. All I ever wanted was to be his friend. His companion. His confidant. Oh how I ached, how I hurt, holding him in my arms, listening to the emotions he was expressing, and holding back my tears so he could let his out.
And just a while ago, I felt the same heartbreaking feelings when the new guy told me he wasn't able to come spend time with me. His show up is very similar to this behavior of Prescott's : not making time. I do not know what is going on in his life that has all of a sudden caused so much distance to be between he and I, but it is heart wrenching to put so much effort into a person, have so many hopes and dreams start to form again - something I didn't know if I would be able to feel ever again - only to have it come falling back down, heart break and all: crushed dreams, disappointed hopes, and shattered happiness.
And so here we are, this time of year.
The leaves are falling again. . .
Last year, when the leaves started to fall, I had just received revelation to divorce Prescott.
Last year, when the leaves turned red and yellow and gold, I was battling a first year teaching job.
Last year, when the leaves lost their softness and turned wrinkled and crisp, I was battling a kidney stone and a kidney infection.
Last year, I didn't know how to be happy without Prescott.
Now, as the leaves start to fall, I know I'm in a better place than I was. I know that I don't need to rely on someone else for my happiness. That being said, wouldn't it be wonderful to be loved again?
I just don't know when that will happen...
Maybe . . . . maybe next year, when the leaves start to fall again.
